Sora's Adventures With
by cyrodilicbrandy
Summary: Sora discovers yaoi, Naruto and Sasuke are yaoi love buddies, Sakura gets eaten, Axel is crazy, Ritsu and Yui save Kairi's rice bowl, and Annapest-SORRY- Annabeth is a bluette. Crackfic.


Sora was sat in front of the large white computer screen, scrolling down occasionally. He was reading some stuff called 'fan fiction'. Riku had recommended it and slyly told Sora to search through the vast Kingdom Hearts lists for fiction labelled as 'yaoi'. Puzzled, he'd asked Riku what 'yaoi' was, but the silver-haired boy just smirked and said: 'Just wait and see.'

Sora muttered crossly to himself as he searched. 'Stupid character deaths...sure, like Axel would _ever _do that...' Once or twice, Sora found himself with a nosebleed as he read the more saucier fics. Mopping up his nose, he continued to search for a yaoi fiction.

He was just reading a story set two years after the Kingdom Hearts trio's return to Destiny Islands, when he felt a presence behind him. He rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. 'Naruto?' He guessed impatiently. (It wasn't that hard to guess really. When Naruto's around, you can tell. The scent of ramen and _emo _follow him everywhere.)

The blonde ninja leaped in front of Sora and nodded rapidly, fist in the air. 'Yeah, it's me! Naruto Uzumaki, the number one hyperactive-'

'Yeah, yeah, whatever.' Sora frowned and waved his hand in the air, bored with Naruto's constant energy. 'I know who you are. The knuckle head, blah, _blah._' He droned and gave a fake yawn.

Naruto wasn't put off by Sora's obvious irritation, and turned to face the computer screen, sticking his butt in Sora's face as he did so. 'So, whatcha up to, then?'

'Gah!' The spiky brunnette leaned further back in his chair, trying to escape Naruto's large butt. 'Just looking for yaoi! Whatever it is. Now, kindly get your _ass_out of my face!' Sora grunted as he lifted up a leg, and dug it into Naruto's backside. Naruto went flying. Sora rolled his eyes, and swivelled the chair back in front of the PC.

Naruto got up, brushing the air from his face with the air of someone who fell over and knows that everyone saw, yet still tries to make it look like they did _not _fall. 'Yaoi?' He asked, interested. 'I didn't know you were into yaoi! You totally should have told me!' He began to nod rapidly again.

'Grr.' Sora growled as he clutched his head. Naruto's over-use of exclamation marks was giving him a headache. 'I don't even know what it is.' Sora said through gritted teeth.

'Oh! It's boy on boy!' Naruto explained.

Sora's eyes widened. 'I'm sorry? Repeat that.'

'Boy! On! Boy!'

'Okay, okay! Stop.' Sora paused to think. 'Like, _gay _stuff?'

Naruto had turned into a nodding dog (actually, nodding fox is more appropriate. And safe. Because we all know Kiba has sex with dogs, and '**WHAT'S UP WITH THAT!'**), and Sora hoped his head would fall off.

'Like the stuff that all those fangirls think of me and Sasuke doing!' Sora and Naruto heard distant squeals. 'See? They love it!' The squeals got louder, untill a few shots rang out. Then there was silence. Naruto looked oddly sombre for a moment. 'But Sasuke hates the fangirls.' He cheered up as the black-haired man himself walked in, Uzi in hand.

'Sassy-cakes!' Naruto leaped at Sasuke in a totally un-manly way and Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the approaching ninja. Then Naruto vanished, to appear as a log behind Sasuke. Sasuke couldn't turn fast enough and the log smacked him square in the face. WHACK! Sora winced at the sound.

Sasuke staggered back, clutching his face. 'That damn log.'

Naruto re-appeared and started fussing over Sasuke. 'OMG! SASSY-CAKES! R U LIEK ALRITE?'

'Go away,' was the mumbled reply.

Sora rolled his eyes. 'Wait a minute. Aren't Naruto and Hinata supposed to date? And Sasuke and Sakura?'

Sasuke sat up instantly and glared at Sora. 'Don't you ever. Say that again.' At that moment, in a fit of 'random appearance-ness', Sakura skipped through the door, humming. (Yes, she stunk quite badly. In fact, it was well known that Sakura only bathed on her birthday. But since the, um, unfortunate Sasuke-purposely-threw-newly-sharpened-kunai-at-Sakura's-oversized-forehead-and-penetrating-her-thick-skin-giving-her-brain-damage-so-she-will-never-be-the-same-again incident, she had forgotten her birthday, and so, never bathed.)

'Sasuke!' Sakura drooled and launched herself at the curtain. She grabbed it tight and started to carress it. 'Ohh, Sasuke, I'm so glad you're here!' She drooled again.

The real Sasuke looked nauseated, and he was suddenly struck with an idea.

'Oops! Sorry!' Naruto cried to the unconcious Sasuke.

When Sasuke woke up, the idea hit him. Again. Fortunately, this time, it only gave him a headache.

'Hey, Sakura.' He called to the pink-haired troll.

'Yes, my little Sassy-poo?' Sakura drooled, nuzzling the curtains with her cheeks

'How about a race?' He suggested slyly and watched her reaction. 'A race to, er, my house?'

Sakura jumped up and down. 'Yes! Yes!' She cried and started to limber up. 'When do we start, my little emo-muffin?'

Sasuke repressed a shudder, and said, 'Now?' Then he sighed deeply. 'But you're closer to the exit. It's just in front of you. The, um, the door. That means you'll get to my place before me.' He sighed again, for good measure. 'That means you get to kiss me.'

Sakura put on foot out into midair through the open window. 'Yes! I'll get to kiss you!' Sora and the others heard far away boos from newly arrived fangirls. 'The door's just here, yes?'

The black-haired '_emo muffin' _nodded, and spoke encouragingly. 'Yeah, just there.' Here he stopped and waited eagerly. Sakura let go of the Sasuke-curtain and rushed out of the open window, drooling.

...SPLAT.

'Yes.' Sasuke said and gave a nasty chuckle. He rushed to the window and peered down at Sakura's feebly moving body. In the distance, it was a celebration. The yaoi fangirls had started to cheer. Some had even put up banners, 'NaruSasu4EVAR'. (Evar spelt backwards spells rave. Epic. )

Naruto took Sasuke's pale hand, and smirked at him. 'C'mon! Sasuke! Let's go have a yaoi-orgasm-fest to celebrate!'

The fangirls fainted in a collective heap.

As the blonde and the emo bounded away to their _love nest, _Sora sat stunned in front of his computer screen. When he found he was finally able to move, he looked up at the ceiling. He tilted his head.

'Oh, hey, O Grand Author.'

'Sup?' O Grand Author replied.

Sora frowned and motioned to the PC. 'Confused.'

'Yeah, me too.' The O Grand Author confessed.

'Le gasp! But you're the O Grand Author! You can't be confused!' Sora was certain of that. 'You're the one that writes this crazy bull!'

O Grand Author rolled her eyes. 'Jeezum. You expect me to be so freaking awesome, don't you? Oh, and by the way, the name's Mercedes.'

Sora snorted. 'Mercedes Benz.'

Thunder rumbled and the room flashed with lighting. 'WHAT WAS THAT?' Roared the O Grand Author.

Sora had taken refuge under this desk, and peered his head out. 'Nothing, your Epicness. Nothing at all.'

'Pshyeahwhatever.' The O Grand Author faded away.

'Wait!' Sora called out. 'Come back! I'm sorry! I need your help!' He waited, and when nothing happened, he grumbled to himself. 'That's what always happens. They always disappear like that. Oh well. Wonder what else the O Grand Author has planned for today.' (Psh, like I know.)

Sora ran his hands through his spiky hair and began to search for yaoi again. A few times, he thought he saw something promising, but they usually featured major character deaths, and/or Riku being a complete icehole.

Kairi walked into the room quietly, and pulled a stool out from under the bookshelf. As she looked at the stool, she retched. 'Another one of Sakura's. I'm fed up of finding her shit everywhere!' (Surely, y'all know that a stool is a scientific name for poo, right?)

Sora blinked, O Grand Author made Kairi swear! Surely this was out of character? He pulled a disgusted face as Kairi made her way to the bathroom to flush the stool away. She washed her hands and came back, grabbing a chair and sitting next to Sora. 'Hey.' She said, as a greeting.

'Hey.' Sora replied and scrolled down some more. 'What's up?'

'Nothing,' Kairi said, but she looked over her shoulder as she said it.

'Why did you look over your shoulder as you said that?'

Kairi frowned. 'You weren't even looking at me, Sora.'

He rolled his eyes. 'We're in a fiction, remember? We automatically know everything that's been written.'

'Oh.'

'Oh.' Sora repeated mockingly.

'Shut the BLEEP up, Sora.' Kairi narrowed her eyes. 'Don't forget, I know _things_about you.'

Sora gulped. 'Yes, Ma'am.'

Kairi looked over her shoulder again. 'It's Axel. He's creeping me out. He keeps leaping around me, telling me to show him my rice bowl.' She snorted. 'What the heck? I don't even have a rice bowl.'

Sora shook his head. 'I have no idea, Kairi. But he's a nutcase. He's never been the same since-'

'-since Roxas literally blew his brains out, yes.' (No, it's true. Before that, Axel had had very specific ideas of the kind of things he wanted Roxas to, ahem, _do. _So when Axel asked Roxas to blow his brains out, he wasn't expecting Roxas to place his lips at his ears and _blow. _The force of Roxas' breath literally blew Axel's brains out of his head, which drifted off to the four winds and have never been seen again.)

At that moment, Axel leapt in, singing. 'Rice bowl, rice! Rice bowl, oh! Let me see your rice bowl!'

Kairi squeaked and tried to blend in with the pine furniture. Unfortunately, Axel had already seen her and pulled the girl towards him. 'Kairi! With the most perfect little rice bowl! Let me see!' Holding Kairi firmly his arms, he waited until she gave up struggling, before bending her over the coffee table.

'Hey!' She cried, indignant. 'Lemme go!'

Axel chuckled and pointed to where Kairi's panties were visible from her bent over position. 'See, Sora? A rice bowl. Her ass is a rice bowl. Can you see it?'

Sora began to stare. A thin line of drool snuck out from the side of his lips as he admired Kairi's rice bowl panties. 'Uh-uh.' He murmured.

Yui and Ritsu jumped out from behind the sofa. 'Aha!' cried Ritsu, the louder of the two girls. 'Another perfect example of a rice bowl!' Yui grabbed the polaroid from around her neck and positioned herself behind Kairi, so that she could take the best picture.

'Imagine the look on Mio's face when she sees this!' Both Ricchan and Yui burst into hysterical laughter.

Kairi, who had fortunately watched K-On!, turned to face the two laughing girls, her face serious. She pushed her bottom lip out in a wobbly pout, and blinked her eyes several times to produce tears that threatened to spill onto her cheeks. The laughter faded as they watched Kairi's face crumple. She took advantage of a few sniffles and looked at them pleadingly.

'Please...'

Ritsu turned to look at Yui, as Yui turned to look at Ritsu.

'Moe...'

'Moe...'

'Kyun~!' They shouted, and made hearts with their hands. Ricchan leapt up and pushed Axel away from Kairi, and Yui helped the pink-haired girl to her feet.

Kairi smiled at the keion girls, as they left the fiction in some random way. (Just make up an excuse, a sick note, whatever. Just be sure to give the note to Dodgy Dave so that he can copy your parent's signature's onto it, okay?) She then turned to Sora, who still had a glazed look in his eyes; no doubt he was still thinking about her rice bowl. She started to fume, and alarm bells went off. He shook his head, and smiled at Kairi, in the way you do when you get caught and you know that there is no way to save yourself.

'Ehehehe...' He gave nervous laughter and quickly turned back to the screen, pretending to be wholly engrossed in a fic titled 'One Mistake.' (You should read it. Liek, srsly. Tis awesome. It's got angst! And lemon! **thumbs up **You'll love it. 'Kay, advertising over.) Kairi flounced out of the room, huffing, and Sora sighed with relief.

'Thank the Gods.'

Sora had just turned to chapter 11 of One Mistake when the power shut off. He stared at the blank screen, hoping that it would suddenly come back to life. When it didn't, Sora stood up, and peered out of the open window. Looking down, he saw zombies feasting on Sakura's body. Sora could hear her giggling. 'Ooh, Sassy-poo, that tickles.'

Looking upwards, Sora roared at the sky, 'OI! Who stole the electricity?'

The O Grand Author smirked. 'Parody time, methinks.' She muttered to herself.

Sora heard her, and tilted his head. 'Eh?'

Before the O Grand Author could reply, a teenage girl ran into the room. She had bright blue hair, and was snapping her bubble gum. 'Yo.' She nodded towards Sora, and started to go through the cabinet, obviously looking for something.

'Um?' Sora was nonplussed. 'Er, 'scuse me? Who are you, and what are you doing here?'

The girl paused in her search, and turned to glare at him. 'I'm Annabeth. Duh, idiot.'

'Huh? But I read the book, I read Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief-'

'Congrats, loser. Want a gold star?' Annabeth interrupted.

'-and you were blonde!' Sora finished.

'Yeah, well, that's gay. Have you seen the film, dude? I'm totally brunette in that. They couldn't make up their minds, so I, like, did it for them. I'm now a bluette.' Annabeth fixed her grey, stormy eyes on the bemused Sora. 'Gotta problem with that, douche?'

'No.' Sora shook his head. 'But why are you talking like a bratty Cali kid that thinks they're awesome, when they're actually, um, _not?' _(Like, totally.)

Annabeth shrugged and started to search again. 'The O Grand Author wanted me to be out of character, or whatever. So, like...here I am.'

'Here you are,' Sora agreed. 'And..._why _are you here?'

Chiron trotted in. 'Ah, Annapest- I mean, um, Anna_beth, _yes. Here you are.'

'HOLY POPSICLE!' Sora cried and he leapt back. 'THERE'S A HORSE IN MY HOUSE!'

Chiron turned his head towards the panicking spiky kid, and stared at him. When he spoke, he never took his eyes off of Sora, but addressed Annabeth. 'Have you seen Percy?'

'Psh. Yeah, no. I haven't.' She replied, and crossed her arms. 'Last I saw, he was, like, putting a banana in his ear, with those unicorns from YouTube.' She rolled her eyes.

But then Percy skidded into the room, banana peels attached to his feet. 'Never fear, Percy's here!'

'Oh, brilliant.' Annabeth mumbled, voice dripping with sarcasm.

'Percy!' Chiron boomed and walked to him. 'I've been waiting for you.'

Percy shook his head, and stepped back warily. 'Oh, uh, Chiron, I've already told you. Uh, I respect you man, but I don't feel anything like that for you. I don't wanna hurt your feelings, dude, but there's no way anything like that could happen between us, man.'

The half-man, half-horse looked embarassed and shuffled his hooves nervously. 'Er,' He cleared his throat loudly. 'Actually, Percy. I have a quest for you. I was just going to give you this.' Chiron held out a plastic purple card. 'This card has immense power. All you need to do is make your way through the perilous neighbourhood to the utopia of shops at the bottom of the hill. When you finally reach there, hand them this card and ask for five on the electricity. They'll know what to do.'

Percy grabbed the card and stared at it.

'But...this is a _card.'_

Annabeth sighed and rolled her eyes. 'Yes, it's a card, and dude, you are an idiot.' She looked at Chiron with her grey eyes. 'So, this will, like, let us get the electricity back?'

Chiron nodded, and Percy started to jump around. 'Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!'

The trio vanished, leaving Sora to stare at the spots on which they had stood, feeling like he'd overdosed on LSD.

As he collapsed in a crumpled heap on the sofa, he could have swore he saw a sparkle of light reflect across the room, but Sora passed it off as the effects of the O Grand Author's sugar-rush, and closed his eyes.

Unbeknownst to Sora (Oh, okay, he knows. But it's written this way so that he_doesn't, _if you get it.), a pale figure leaned in through the window.

'This doesn't look like Bella's room.' The figure said to himself, and was about to leave when he saw Sora with his eyes closed. Attempting to sneak through the window, the figure failed and landed with a very loud CRUNCH on the carpeted floor. Sora's eyes flew open, as the pale figure leapt up and brushed himself down. Sora sat up and blinked at the man standing there.

'Um,' was all Sora managed to say.

With incredible speed, the man appeared in front of Sora. 'I like watching you sleep. It's, uh, fascinating to me.' He checked his script out of the corner of his eyes, and whispered. 'Those are the right lines, correct?'

Sora could only blink.

'Bella Swan, will you marry me? Then have sex with me whilst you're still human, causing you to become pregnant with a monster mother-eating cannibalistic baby, whom most of our family (and the fan base) will abhor at first, because she is basically the reason you, you know, kinda _die_, so that I may inject my ultra awesome epic vampire vemon into your bloodstream, so that you will awaken three days later as a shiny new vampire, and when you've woken up, you'll find out that everyone loves out little notplot baby, and that Jacob the werewolf -oh, I'm sorry,_shapeshifter- _has imprinted on her, and that the Volturi kinda want to come and kill all of us because they think we created an immortal child using the more_conventional _way, and suddenly you'll transform into a bigger Mary-Sue and discover secret powers, which will turn out to be almost useless, since we won't even fight the Volturi _anyway, _because Alice and Jasper will turn up with a great big surprise or two and save the day, then everyone lives happily ever after! Please say yes.'

Sora sat through this little speech in silence, and blinked some more.

'Oh, wait! I know who you are!' He pointed at the man's incredibly large forehead. 'You're Cedric Diggory!'

_Cedric _rolled his eyes. 'I get that all the time. I'm _not _Cedric Diggory.'

Sora clicked his fingers. 'No, wait, I got it now! You're Edward **freaking **Cullen.'

'Yes.' Edward replied, exasperated.

'Dude.' Sora raisesd his eyebrows. 'And you claim to be a vampire?' He didn't wait for confirmation before speaking again. 'Have you never watched **Buffy? **Never read any of Anne Rice's novels? Techincally, I'm not supposed to include any of the characters, because of copyright and stuff like that, but you should watch the_Interview _film. It's got Brad Pitt in it.'

Edward was looking increasingly murderous. (More than he already does, that is. You know, he's kinda of a sociopath, right? Honest. There's an essay on it, and everything.)

'Come one, who are you trying to fool? You sparkle, you live in a forest, you're a hundred years old, you can read minds...you're not a vampire, you're a fairy, Edward Cullen.'

At this, Edward started to sniffle. 'I am not!' He said childishly.

Bella tripped into the room. 'OW! AMG THAT HURT! EDDY-KINZ, THE FLOOR WUZ MEAN 2 ME AGEN! U FINK THERE TRYIN 2 DO IT ON PURPOZ? ITS NOT FAIR, EDDY-KINZ! OHELLO,' Bella waved at Sora. 'SUP, MAH HOMIE. ANYWAYZ, EDDY-KINZ, AS I WUZ SAYIN DA OTHA DAY, RITE, DERE WUZ DIS CAR DAT TRIED TO, LIEK, SQUISH MEH AGAINZ TEH PAVEMNT, I WUZ LIEK, O NO U DINT!'

Sora stared at the ranting Bella, and addressed the still sniffling vampire. 'How on Earth can you live with this?'

Edward shrugged. 'I have to f-follow the book.'

'Psh. Have you _never _encountered fan fiction? Break away from Bella!' Sora leaned forward slightly. 'Unleash your inner urges.' Here, he whispered slyly. 'There's always Jacob.'

Edward's eyes widened considerably, and he glanced at Bella, who was still raving about 'TEH FLOOR'. Then a slow smile crept across his face. 'You're right. Where's Jacob?' He got up and ran out of the door with inhuman speed, Bella stumbling along behind him.

'Gods...' Sora ran a hand through his hair and leant back on the sofa. 'What a day.'

He had just dozed off when he heard a door being burst open.

'We've got the electricity back!' Cried the voices of Percy, Annapest -I'm sorry, Anna_beth- _and Chiron.

Sora leapt up. 'You have?'

Percy waved the purple card. 'Yes! We put a fiver on it! Thanks to my super banana feet propellers-'

'Yeah, yeah, whatever.' Sora faked a yawn and snatched the card from his hands. He started to push them all back towards the front door. 'Now get out of my house!' He slammed the door with extra force, and opened the utility cupboard. Smiling, he inserted the purple card, and watched as the electricity came back on.

'Yes! Now, back to my yaoi.'

Sora armed himself with a box of tissues (multi-purpose, you see) and a can of Diet Coke.

The electricity didn't trouble him for a week. All was well.


End file.
